I fought so many feelings I had for you and agreed to be in a friend zone with you because we both thought we would be friends forever. I was afraid to date you because I knew that once we date we would be at a risk of losing each other forever. That was the most stupid thing we did together because we lost each other either way as we grew apart.
We never learned how to love each other at a distance and now it is not the same anymore; even when we meet you seem strange as if I never knew you.
We used to talk everyday and we didn’t run out of things to talk about. We were natural as if we had known each other since birth. We found truth in each other, only to realise today that our truth was based on deceiving ourselves… in my perspective anyways.
Love? Yes I loved you, I couldn’t be apart from you, all the time we didn’t share tortured me; all I wanted was to spend as much time with you as possible.
We both felt the same love, we both didn’t act on it. We lost each other. I thought our story would receive a movie ending, but we both know how it ended.
I don’t regret our choices; I just have that “What if?” Pacing in my consciousness. I really hope you are doing well because I really miss you.
Botlhale • Mos
Inspired by a romcom
I attended an amazing musical experience in a jazz club. The experience had conflicting emotional tones. It was sad but it was beautiful. It was beautiful but it was painful. It was painful but it was joyous… it was a crazy musical experience, it was genius!
As I was sitting there enjoying this experience and occasionally standing up to dance I was drawn to this beautiful old couple. It seemed like they were on a date. The man was white and the woman seemed Arabic, very beautiful couple. They enjoyed their meals and they shared a bottle of wine using one glass.
As I said the music was so amazing, the lady stood up and walked towards a group of people who were dancing, she joined as if a different spirit had just consumed her. Everyone started to observe her, as she danced her beauty started to illuminate and it filled up the venue. The old man watched her from his seat, he was so intrigued and charmed as if it was the first time he had saw her dance like that. After a couple of songs he stood up, walked towards the dancing crowd, towards her beautiful date and once they reunited on the dance floor the spirit took over the gentleman as well and they danced to this beautiful musical experience.
It was crazy… it was beautiful
I thought to myself; “damn life is not a human experience, it is a spiritual experience” something so simple as sound, influences the human existence in an incredible way. It changes their entire existence because when the sound is present the spirit takes over the body and we do what we wouldn’t normally do with our bodies when the sound is not present. We become more of our true selves.
The importance of art in my existence is that it allows me to live, it allows me to feel it allows me to think it provokes me in so many ways. The presence of Art completes me. It is therapeutic.
It is a spiritual existence, therefore we need to keep nurturing the soul.
Botlhale • Mos
In the Jazz club
Why am I nice to you when you abuse me? Why am I nice to you why you live a good life because of me but you are refusing to pay your dues? Why am I nice to you while I am always thinking about you in the worst way? Why am I nice to you when you continue to do worse things to me? Why am I nice to you when love doesn’t exist between us?
I am nice to you because you took advantage of my vulnerability, you taught me dependence and I depend on you.
I am nice to you because if I don’t be nice I will suffer beyond how I am suffering now.
I am nice to you because I might be afraid of you, and I dress up my true feeling with love.
I am nice to you because you made me your slave and I can not think independently.
Well right now I need to stop being nice to you and learn how to be nice to myself, and live or die with the consequences of not being nice to you.
The worst thing that could happen to me is that I could die, and the best thing is that I could live. Right now being nice to you makes me feel dead… maybe literal death could be the beginning of my life.
Botlhale • Mos
I cannot continue to be nice to you.
The other day a friend shared a beautiful thought provoking piece for me to read. The piece was about the meaning of loyalty under the Buddhism culture. This piece intrigued me because it placed everything in my mind into the perspective I have been looking for. I felt like a Buddhist instantly because I could relate.
According to Buddhism there are two perspectives towards loyalty. There is loyalty through fear and there is loyalty through love. However in both instances loyalty exists when both parties gain something out of being loyal to whatever they are being loyal to.
The piece made a cool example using a King to explain loyalty. Out of fear. The King would be coercive and demand respect. In this way the people would be loyal to the King fearing the consequences of being disloyal. Through this fear the king is guaranteed loyalty from his subjects as long as they fear him.
Through love the king would have to prove himself. He would have to serve the people’s needs and satisfy the people, in return he would benefit long lasting love from the people, they would serve him in return, they would respect him and show loyalty towards everything he does.
What intrigued me from these two perspectives is that it gave me a different perspective of love. I have battled with relationships for quite a long time, the Buddhism definition of loyalty made me realize why I have battled with relationships for such a long time. The reason is that in relationships we want different things from each other however we would have common things which would make us fall in love with each other.
Conflict is created when we have achieved our common goal while our individual goals which we require to achieve through the other person are not fulfilled. This conflict comes in different shades because one person could be completely satisfied while other one is not. Love is a give and take situation, and when one party feels like they are just giving and not receiving, conflict will occur.
Loyalty is truly a complex feeling, because it takes place in everything we do in our different dynamics of our lives. We are loyal to things, people and what we do because we want to gain something in return for our loyalty. It can never be a one way street. Hence I feel like love is dated and bound to expire at one point or another unless we satisfy our common goal as well as our individual goals. Beyond expiry we either tolerate the fact that we may never achieve what we desired to achieve through this person and stay loyal to your common interest of one another. Or the conflict would over come one or both of you and end the relationship.
Loyalty through love or fear. Complex but simple, however one of, if not thee most difficult feeling to deal with.
Botlhale • Mos